Never stare at the tracks for too long.

And so once again i am drawn to this pile of shit, this waste of megabytes, this proverbial tumor in the thriving life of my hard drive. God knows why i keep returning to this site, it's like a part of me knows that forever remaining remote eventually causes one to develop the mannerisms of a free-roaming meth addict and no one needs another one of those around really. So i have learnt to healthily manage the psychotic part of my brain and stay relatively alexithymiatic.
  I've been in one of those week long mood-swing moods where everything makes you want to hysterically laugh and cry simultaneously and yet you appear more or less emotionless. The lack of sleep mixed in with the over exposure to sugar and 'happy meds' has made me somewhat of a train wreck. I am constantly torn between the desire to kill myself and everybody else. Luckily these impulses are just milli-seconds long and i'm told they are normal parts of any teenagers daily routine. Needless to say another very prominante problem with the heightened moods and the racing heart beat it i am finding it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than thirty seconds at the moment. While it is nice to have the wondering eye of a russian businessman it often gets me into a lot of trouble mainly due to the fact i am never listening to anything anyone says which leaves me in a situation where everything has to be repeated, at least four times. Another beautiful little foible in my world as of late is my disability to sleep. The less i sleep, the more sugar i need, the more sugar i consume the more agitated i become and so on. Last night i had at least a 20 minute conversation with my brother when he came into my room to get something, when i woke it was only to discover that he never actually did and i should really stop taking my Eszopiclone altogether. That is something i am really afraid of; my own mind. The lack of sleep is affecting everything i do, i am seeing things and thinking things that terrify me for the main reason that they are not my usual thoughts/visions. Everything inside my head has become a orgy of horror, enough to frighten anyone and i have no idea how to make it stop. I have no free time to catch up on my sleep and i feel as if i am very very slowly drowning, the water is in my lungs now, i wish it would leave.
   I have a topic to touch on today. Fear. Fear is something i have never really understood. I have never been sure whether fear is the feeling which drives us into action, or that which prevents us from taking it. People are constantly dealing with danger, every day we walk around on this rotating death trap we call earth, but what turns a danger into a fear, or better yet - a fear into a phobia. I very recently met someone who can not actually name a single fear they have, they are a completely level-headed person and of course is aware of the world, but when i asked her what her fears were she simply said ' i have none'. I think it's brilliant not to have anything to fear but i also think it is ignorant. The world is a scary place, and speaking as someone who is frequently spooked by her own reflection recently i can easily say the fear is justified. But how does one differentiate between the fear that warns us of the dangers ahead and the fear that guides us into it with caution. I don't think i'll ever know, and so i'll just choose to dive in head first, with no scuba kit. Because each great adventure starts with a step.

Never settle in the country.

I want to be in Russia. It's a very strange and equally unimportant thought but i felt i should break my usual generic blogging habits and start with a statement. I just want to be in Russia. I want my breath to rise is an almost opaque haze, i want to endlessly gaze at the mounds of snow and never have to worry when they'll melt, i want to eat pelimi with my koyla's in the town square and i want to be able to drink vodka and smoke freely with no judgement. However i am in england. England - where the weather doesn't know what to be, and neither do the people. I would be slightly less bitter, but the cardboard box i'm sitting on is causing me discomfort. After much deliberation i have finally arrived in Earnley. If you haven't got the foggiest where that is please do not feel uneducated, it's not even on google maps. To my great disappointment i am not actually disappointed in my new pad/crib/digs/abode/dwelling ect. In fact i've grown rather fond of the place, if you ignore the fleets of spiders and creepy corridors.
  Don't get me wrong, i have a lot to complain about. I just thought i'd start with a positive. I don't know if it's all the clear energy produced by the hundreds of pensioners accepting death or the fact i have a graveyard in my back yard, but things seem pretty deep recently. I no longer care about things, little things i mean, i guess i just always thought that i had to have control over everything. This recent slight (major) change to 'the plan' has showed me just how little we can control, and i am fine with it. Silver linings, and icing on cakes or something equally as fluffy. I think it's all just a manifestation of the fact that i just can't be fucked any more. For example, today, instead of getting the train when i was supposed to i went to macdonalds and had a lovely three hour catch up with a friend and ended up being so late i'd missed the last bus. My nan turned up half an hour later in a horrific mood. I told her to 'chill the fuck out man' so she left me on the side of my road. 6 miles from my house. 3 Marlboro reds and 2 blisters later i rounded the corner and ended up in a church yard. I sat alongside the graves just thinking for at least an hour before i realized i was behind my house. I have come to realize that if you let things be, they'll be what you want them to. Even if it looks a little different.
   I have also noticed that about people lately. Sometimes, as human beings, we judge others. Shocking i know but it is a very common ailment, i frequently find myself doing it. I find that sometimes people disassociate themselves with others simply because of hearsay. I have done it in the past. But sometimes the people you least expect are the ones you connect with the most. Even if you never admit it to others at least accept it yourself, because finding someone who gets you is very rare. Especially if you're as warped and impossible as me. My advice? Do anything you can to keep them. And steal a few hairs while you're at it, just in case i perfect the cloning process.
  I have to get up in four hours. The things i do for you people. Who am i kidding, no one reads this thing. I am going to play dead island, not for any quirky reason. I am going to go play it because i have built up a murderous desire with all this 'spiritual harmony' bullshit i've been spewing and need to take it out on the reborn corpses of australian tourists. I feel a Charles Wittman episode coming on.

Never let a stranger into your home, no matter how official they look.

Well internet. I am currently residing/ hiding in my bath with my laptop because there is a man wandering around my house with a clipboard. I am assuming because he said he had an appointment that he actually is supposed to be here but really in this day and age who knows. Maybe he feeds his libido by pretending to belong to a moving company and surveying people's homes. Or maybe he simply was walking down my road and got a little bored. For whatever reason he's here, he is still here. So to avoid awkward conversation i have barricaded myself in the bath with my duvet and have mentally prepared myself to be here all night.
  Firstly, i would like to start by apologizing for my last blog entry. I know some of you genuinely thought your lives were in danger and i would like to apologize for that, however justified the feeling was. I have somewhat calmed down since then, and although i have not yet reached that happy place where the palm trees are all bountiful with foliage ect, i can almost honestly say 'i am half way there'. So i am finding myself succumbing to my over-bearing parent's wishes and attending a nice catholic college. Worry not children, on my way home today i purchased a nice 4feet of rope and will be hanging myself very shortly with it. If that fails however i will be on a train bright and early tomorrow and heading off to my first day. I like to think i will be able to survive another two years with the good lord by my side but so far he's been a bit of an inattentive leader. In fact i would go as far as to say he's been down right atrocious. I mean, i am in this situation right? If growing up with two very god-fearing parents has taught me anything it is how to blame dear old Allah for all the problems in your life. And on that note i would like to very pretentiously say: Deus dereliquit mei.
  The problems all lie in growing up. As a child the worst fears we have are the monsters in our closets but as we grow older we realize that it isn't the ghosts in our houses that we have to deal with, it's the ones in our pasts. I long for the days when a mutual love of playdoh was enough to build a friendship on. Nowadays one wrong hobby, one borderline racist comment and a relationship can be tarnished for life. Why don't i just carve all my flaws into my skin and leave the scars there for the entire world to see? That solution at least would eliminate small talk altogether. In fact no talk would be necessary, potential members of my life would know right away that i am not a force to be associated with.I am sure that if we were to introduce ourselves by the characteristics people perceive us to have no one would ever interact.

'Hi, i am competitive, pessimistic and narcissistic. And you are?'

 However it is not as easy as defining ourselves how others see us, for example, i give little thought to how the general public see me so i am very shocked when i am outright challenged on a trait of my personality. People say that your best critic is yourself, but i believe that to be false. How can i accurately judge myself when i am completely biased to believing everything i do to be worthless? I do nevertheless know myself well enough to know most of my weaknesses, and strengths. I know that i am a very sociable being and one thing i can not stand is impolite behavior between strangers. So with that i will leave you all to miss me and go and make this questionably enticing man some tea.

I would just like to point out that the man was my dad's lawyer and no, 'he wasn't meant to fucking be here lucy.'

Never dream.

So all my procrastination and distraction has caused me to completely destroy any and all hopes i had of a real future. My A level options now consist of subjects so mother fucking soft that no self respecting human would dare even choose them because even the dregs of society know that they couldn't be respected studies even in the heart of the red light district. I am slowly setting myself up for a career as a very bad porn star, you know, the kind that gets choked the shit out of before even appearing in the film, the kind who's drugged, the kind who unwillingly gets snuffed half way through the fucking feature. Basically i just spent the last half an hour on the phone to someone who got all their A-levels, who now has a half decent career at a college that fuck-ups like me hope to attend. The whole time he just rambled on in his 'i've never got laid' tone, telling me how it's all been a waste of my damn time, well i don't need him to tell me that does he not realize that i've already realized that? Well he can shove it down his fucking esophagus. Yeah i hide behind my words and i claim i don't give a fuck about this blog and i only do this when i'm bored. But the truth is the only other way i could get these words out my mind is if i splattered them all over some fucking cement. You may think i've gone off the rails a bit, or i've completely lost it. But i know where my self-control is, i just am choosing not to find it.
 I'm not mad, i'm just not happy, i can not be expected to be the fucking easter bunny right now. I would just like to know why wanting something is never enough and why it hurts so much to let yourself down. I am a paradox, and not in the tyler the creator way, in the 'i have no logical solution' way. It's like i blinked and suddenly my foundations have dissolved underneath me and my whole life plan can suddenly fit into a council flat in south london. Who knows, maybe i'll fall in love with a doctor, and watch him shape his life the way i would have. And i'll build up a jealous hate until eventually i slash through his jugular with his own scalpel. People say you can never pin point the exact moment your life took a turn but i know mine was walking into that exam with the remnants of writing on my fore arm. Or maybe it was the moment i was cut out my mothers stomach and the good lord took a fucking shit on my forehead. If any of you cunts even think the word 'surgeon' around me i think you'll find yourself with a 3" shard of glass sticking out of your heart. Because that's how i feel right now, then only a surgeon can save you. I'm sure this whole rant will lead ya'll to believe i am mentally unstable. And so what if i am? It doesn't even matter now.
 

Never drink anything that looks like chemicals, and tastes like cough syrup.

So sex deprived members of the Internet. I am writing to you from the somewhat cramped bed of a very nice young woman. As much as i would normally love to permit your minds to wander to the realms of underpants and pillow fights i thought i'd save the time and let you know she is in fact passed out, and a good friend. The reason i write to you from such a strange - and for many of you, unreachable - place is because i am stuck. I want to be asleep, i am drunk and tired enough to be asleep, but my body simply will not allow it. So instead i thought i could take the time to scrape together a slightly short and immensely overdue blog. The first thing i'd like to talk about is; limits.
   Last night as i was crashing out i put on a film entitled: limitless. The film is a very erratic tale of a man who discovers a drug that allows you to access 100% of your brain as apposed to the rumored 20% the average human can access. The film is depicted from Eddie Morra's (played by Bradley Cooper) point of view. The further Eddie gets into the world of the elite he has now become, the darker things become. There are two main problems i have with this film is 1. Bradley Cooper is not naked enough 2. There isn't enough of a moral message. In the film anyone on the drug can achieve unfathomable things, but the second they run out of the drug their body begins to deteriorate rapidly. As soon as Eddie discovers a way to mass-produce the drug everything is fine, he carries on living completely dependent on something that could easily destroy him. I just think it completely glamourizes drugs in a way that hasn't really been seen on film. But i digress, my main point is that the film implies that with this drug life's possibilities are limitless. In reality, life is entirely built up of limits.  For example your alcohol intake. There is a definite limit to how many units a single person can consume and yet weekend after weekend i find myself surrounded by people who do not know when to say when.
  By perfect coincidence it seems that your alcohol limits can show what kind of moral limitations a person has. In the wise words of Jamie Foxx people tend to 'blame it on the a a a a a alcohol'. And this averts the subject to: morality, and blame. I have to admit that people do tend to do stupid and morally incorrect things while under the influence, but i do not think that the alcohol is the only cause of such problems. Personally i believe that alcohol amplifies every inhibition you have, and releases them. * If you are incapable of doing something, due to some unknown ethical obligation, then the consumption of drugs will not sway your mind, you will maybe feel as if you had no control but the disturbing underlying fact is, we always do. To be perfectly honest people are capable of doing horrible, horrible things. The evidence is hitting home right this minute with the London riots. But please, don't think that doing bad things makes someone a bad person, some of us just don't know how to stop.
  I would like to apologize for the state of today's blog, up until the '*' i was absolutely wankered and it was 5 in the morning. I am just so amazed at the fluency of my drunken mind that i am leaving it as it is. I will update you on my mundane life somewhere towards the end of the week or maybe the beginning of next. Try not to miss me too much until then. Before signing off i'd just like to stress that my thoughts are with those effected by the london riots, two wrongs don't make a right and teenagers shouldn't be allowed to buy bats.

Never hit a kid while he's down.

So this being my final academic week before exams I would just love to let you all know that my revision is going swimmingly. But then of course I would be lying. I have in fact spent my afternoon having an intense pillow fight and seeing just how far you have to go into YouTube to find a decent female hip-hop artist. But I digress, it's not my search for women's answer to Tyler the creator I am worried about, it is my sheer lack of intellectual drive. It’s not that I don't want to learn... it's just whenever I start to read anything relevant it's like trying to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphics, I just can't make sense of it. So then my brain goes:


Egyptian hieroglyphics - Egyptian hip-hop - OFWGKTW


And the search began. Another point is that I am just too darn excited about my last day. I am wishing away the days of this week, days that are seriously needed for revision. I don't really care, a homeless man told me my booty rivals j-lo so I personally think I'm set?
I haven't had a rant in a while so I thought I'd start with cosmetic surgery. Now in a lesson this week a very good friend of mine started up a conversation about boob jobs. Well she was saying that she would actually quite like to have one, and by the end of the lesson she had every girl on our table wanting one too. A boy sitting with us found it repulsive that we even thought we needed one, but how could be not? The media in this era is riddled with the perfect ideal of how a woman should look. Now as a person who appreciates womanly form (from an artistic perspective only, thankyou.) I understand why that body type is attractive, and I see how it is nowhere near realistic. I don't mean to be prejudice toward the stereotypically perfect person, and if you are reading this I apologise, I just don't think said person exists. People are beautiful how they are and shouldn't resort to any kind of medical procedure to "better" themselves, and I think that its appalling that they can so easily. That a sixteen year old girl - who I would like to point out is a stunnah - can know so much about the steps involved to undergo cosmetic surgery, well quite frankly it sickens me. I this plastic surgery is an amazing advance in medicine for help with burns, scars, disfigurements etc. but I do not think it should be available for reasons like this. Just sayin'. I appear to have gone a bit over the top but I know you love it so it's all good.
   My authority issues got the better of me this week, provoking many an argument and that brings us to; conceited people. Otherwise known as those people with massive metal rods up their anal passageways. I just can't stand those people who they are better than EVERYONE else, especially if they have no valid reason. If I was a master pianist and I thought I was better than a sub-par pianist then that would be justified (although modesty is attractive). But some people think because they are seen as being higher on 'the social ladder' it gives them the right to look down on everyone else. Well it may work in a beautifully metaphorical way lads, but not in real life. In real life you are rude, arrogant, self-centred, conceited, egotistic, gratified, obsequious, self-contented, self-pleased, self-possessed and a cunt. You bully those who you value under yourself when the only reason they are viewed to be there is because they never needed to validate themselves with the glamour you appear to posses. Because they can achieve more than you ever could, on what they have accomplished alone. And that is why in ten years time you will be working for them.
    Remember children, bullying isn't nice. And Lucy should not be allowed to blog to music because she gets too angry. Luckily I can always keep a level head; now fuck off you festering turds.


oh and if you do find a female worthy of tupac's left nut. let me know.
.

Never Bullshit a Bullshitter.

Hello children. I could start as i usually do by making awkward and untrue statements about how i've been miles too busy to blog ect. ect. but i won't. You deserve better than that, in fact i shall bestow upon you the entire truth. I just couldn't be fucked. Yes i have been busy, and yes i haven't had much time but that is no excuse, some Gandhi type once said that we make time for the things we truly love so i guess i just don't love blogging. It's not like i don't love all of you, you're stella folk, i just have a life outside of these cyber-realms. To be honest i'd be more worried if my blog was what i live for. I've strayed from the point again. I have finished my exams now, and i am 100% free to do what i like, which brings me to my first point - freedom. 
   Recently i've been reading a Japanese book entitled 'Stolen' it is the story of a group of people all living in the heart of Tokyo who are all somehow connected to the sex trafficking rink. This book has got me thinking a lot about the ties that bound us, whether we are physical prisoners, emotional prisoners - bound by threats or responsibilities - or whether we just feel like prisoners for no accountable reason. I think we all wait for freedom, the weekend, our holidays, when we leave home, after university, and i think eventually we'll discover that we had freedom all along and just never noticed. That is why i have decided to make the most of my summer, my freedom. There are so many people in the world who have never and will never know what freedom is, and i am truly sorry for them. So don't sleep till noon, don't wish the days away, walk more, skinny dip, just do something you know you shouldn't because you don't know how quickly your youth will fade. And that is my over-baring self-assured and not at all factual opinion for the day. 
  Another thing that has been much on my mind recently is the Casey Anthony trial. For those of you who haven't heard about this yet it is a case in which Casey, a single mother, has been accused of drugging her two-year-old daughter, suffocating her and then dumping her body in the woods behind her house. Casey is on trial for death row. I personally do not agree with the death penalty, a lot of people from both the US and the UK don't, and yet it is still enforced by law in some cases in America. I think that there are lots of insinuating circumstances surrounding this trial, some people head to drastic, and yes un-called for, solutions when they feel trapped. Let's say there were similar punishments. Like, if you commit manslaughter you lose a limb? Or you rape someone and you're castrated. The idea that the state can take a life for another life taken just seems damn hypocritical to me. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be punished, i'm just saying euthanasia is not the answer. An eye for an eye just makes the whole world blind. And a murder for a murder just makes the justice system a cunt. 
   The final point i'd like to make is with the issue of trust. People say that i am a difficult person to trust, and i have difficulty trusting others. And they would be entirely right. The point i make to myself is that every time i do put my trust in someone, no matter how long they have been loyal to me, the moment they screw up i no longer care about the years of good and just entirely focus on their folly. I wish i wasn't doomed to be a one-man-wolf pack but the way i'm heading i will have no one to trust but myself, and that's no way to live. The general theme of today's blog has been freedom and i want the freedom to lean on my friends, and the ability to know i am safe to do so. I guess it's just because the first time i trusted someone with everything they left me, and i don't know how to bounce back from that. If you want to be able to trust people you need to know that there may be times where they let you down, you need to be prepared. But you can't just sit by the metaphorical fuck-up phone with the sixth-sense knowledge that it'll ring, you need to learn to trust those you trust. I hope i am not going to become one of those people who anticipates the worst, i want to hope for the best. 
   I feel like somewhat of a nonce talking about not wasting time and seizing the day as i am currently sat in what could be mistaken as the site of a WW3 bomb attack, or the bat cave. So i will love you and leave you members of the internet. I have a summer to start.