Has anyone noticed just how shit things have become? Surely you've thought it, looked back on the days where you didn't need a job, didn't need ID, didn't need anything but a bottle of WKD and your friends and thought 'Jesus, i miss that'. These days it's all UCAS applications, vicious circles, and debt. I am trying not to dwell so much on the past but when your present is making you sick it's hard not to. This week for me has been one of firsts, the first time i've been referred to as a step-daughter, the first time i've not missed a lesson, and the first time i've evaluated my drug addiction. I returned today from london where i had spent the last 30 hours pretending to be a model daughter, for those of you who have never had the displeasure to have to do this, it is made of four main ignominies:
1. Smile constantly
2. Laugh at all jokes, however stale
3. Dance with your father and try not to kick him (deliberately or otherwise)
4. Drink as much free wine as possible.
Personally i think i did a bang up job of concealing my ruthless and unrelenting rage but i can not be utterly sure as i thought i did pretty well in my drama GCSE as well and that turned out to be very untrue. All i know is i was invited back 'Anytime darling' to what i can now refer to as; My father's house. I spent most of the night pining for Brighton as i was gravely aware of two very long-awaited events going on simultaneously to my dad's "oh by the way i got married" celebration. This is one thing i can admit about myself, i get terrible "fun envy".
For example, if i have a choice of two parties in one night i will inextricably end up feeling as though i have missed out. If someone in my vicinity is on something and i am merely drunk or sober then i will experience a burning desire to join them until i either give in and call my dealer or i fall asleep. This is what has lead me to believe i am an addict. Not in the way that i get itchy, sell my organs, or cry if i don't receive my fix but by an exclusive inclination to be the highest at any offered occasion. If i were to suddenly find myself in a convent where the residents were never on drugs then i would be content. However if i were to say return to a festival this weekend i guarantee either i wouldn't survive or i would return with at least a minor form of brain damage. I've always been a cheery fucker with a prominent emphasis on the positive, and today i am being no different; I am positive that I will not make it to 18 at this rate. I am positive I need to slow down. And most importantly I am positive that I neither want to nor am capable of doing so. The reason I tell you this internet is that i want you all to know that when you hear from some source or another that my body was found with my brain eroded and my blood 90% toxins you will know that it was no one's fault but my own. In addition to this, mighty following, This is a warning to myself more than anything. But children it is also a warning to you, as my friends you are probably all just as dependent on drugs as I am (and i'm not talking class A's, tobacco, alcohol and marijuana are all classified as drugs too). We must quit whilst we are ahead; and alive. Your teenage years are said to be the best of your life, but mine are passing in a very expensive haze. The older generation say experiment whilst you're young, but what happens if your curiosity turns to dependence? Your rush to reliance? Desire to obsession? I for one will not be quitting drugs, i will still have a roll-up on the way to college, still partake in drinking games, and i will occasionally dapple in the dark art of assorted substances. However I will no longer allow my rapture to get the better of me and will only do each in moderation and never again allow myself to repress my fear of my own expiration. Because this isn't ecstasy, it's leprosy. A long time ago I created a post entitled 'Never drink anything that looks like chemicals, and tastes like cough syrup' in which I spoke about how I knew my limits. Well I think I have reached and exceeded them in every possible way since September. I have twisted and mutated each and every aspect of my mental stability. I have had enough and now I intend to give my immune system a well-deserved nap. Let the torture ensue.
I know this blog has been abused recently, i've been using it like some kind of jeremy kyle tribute to put my own mortality under the microscope and in doing so accomplishing nothing but confusion and acrimony. I have also been invariably using this space for my own agoraphobic needs and it is for both of these offences that I am sorry. I am sure next time i hail to click on this prototypical conformity I will be back to my personalities usual concoction of the psychotic and the analytic. Or i'll just tumultuously ramble on until my brain gives up or I am carted away for insanity because that is what the internet is for. Freedom of expression. And as a wise man once said; Don't give a child a gun, unless you want him to use it.
"No matter what, even if I take my meds and I heal myself I'll still be insane. But that is what I want, to be someone to relate to for anyone who is as alienated, awkward, spastic and passionate as me." - Max Bemis
