Never stare at the tracks for too long.

And so once again i am drawn to this pile of shit, this waste of megabytes, this proverbial tumor in the thriving life of my hard drive. God knows why i keep returning to this site, it's like a part of me knows that forever remaining remote eventually causes one to develop the mannerisms of a free-roaming meth addict and no one needs another one of those around really. So i have learnt to healthily manage the psychotic part of my brain and stay relatively alexithymiatic.
  I've been in one of those week long mood-swing moods where everything makes you want to hysterically laugh and cry simultaneously and yet you appear more or less emotionless. The lack of sleep mixed in with the over exposure to sugar and 'happy meds' has made me somewhat of a train wreck. I am constantly torn between the desire to kill myself and everybody else. Luckily these impulses are just milli-seconds long and i'm told they are normal parts of any teenagers daily routine. Needless to say another very prominante problem with the heightened moods and the racing heart beat it i am finding it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than thirty seconds at the moment. While it is nice to have the wondering eye of a russian businessman it often gets me into a lot of trouble mainly due to the fact i am never listening to anything anyone says which leaves me in a situation where everything has to be repeated, at least four times. Another beautiful little foible in my world as of late is my disability to sleep. The less i sleep, the more sugar i need, the more sugar i consume the more agitated i become and so on. Last night i had at least a 20 minute conversation with my brother when he came into my room to get something, when i woke it was only to discover that he never actually did and i should really stop taking my Eszopiclone altogether. That is something i am really afraid of; my own mind. The lack of sleep is affecting everything i do, i am seeing things and thinking things that terrify me for the main reason that they are not my usual thoughts/visions. Everything inside my head has become a orgy of horror, enough to frighten anyone and i have no idea how to make it stop. I have no free time to catch up on my sleep and i feel as if i am very very slowly drowning, the water is in my lungs now, i wish it would leave.
   I have a topic to touch on today. Fear. Fear is something i have never really understood. I have never been sure whether fear is the feeling which drives us into action, or that which prevents us from taking it. People are constantly dealing with danger, every day we walk around on this rotating death trap we call earth, but what turns a danger into a fear, or better yet - a fear into a phobia. I very recently met someone who can not actually name a single fear they have, they are a completely level-headed person and of course is aware of the world, but when i asked her what her fears were she simply said ' i have none'. I think it's brilliant not to have anything to fear but i also think it is ignorant. The world is a scary place, and speaking as someone who is frequently spooked by her own reflection recently i can easily say the fear is justified. But how does one differentiate between the fear that warns us of the dangers ahead and the fear that guides us into it with caution. I don't think i'll ever know, and so i'll just choose to dive in head first, with no scuba kit. Because each great adventure starts with a step.

Never settle in the country.

I want to be in Russia. It's a very strange and equally unimportant thought but i felt i should break my usual generic blogging habits and start with a statement. I just want to be in Russia. I want my breath to rise is an almost opaque haze, i want to endlessly gaze at the mounds of snow and never have to worry when they'll melt, i want to eat pelimi with my koyla's in the town square and i want to be able to drink vodka and smoke freely with no judgement. However i am in england. England - where the weather doesn't know what to be, and neither do the people. I would be slightly less bitter, but the cardboard box i'm sitting on is causing me discomfort. After much deliberation i have finally arrived in Earnley. If you haven't got the foggiest where that is please do not feel uneducated, it's not even on google maps. To my great disappointment i am not actually disappointed in my new pad/crib/digs/abode/dwelling ect. In fact i've grown rather fond of the place, if you ignore the fleets of spiders and creepy corridors.
  Don't get me wrong, i have a lot to complain about. I just thought i'd start with a positive. I don't know if it's all the clear energy produced by the hundreds of pensioners accepting death or the fact i have a graveyard in my back yard, but things seem pretty deep recently. I no longer care about things, little things i mean, i guess i just always thought that i had to have control over everything. This recent slight (major) change to 'the plan' has showed me just how little we can control, and i am fine with it. Silver linings, and icing on cakes or something equally as fluffy. I think it's all just a manifestation of the fact that i just can't be fucked any more. For example, today, instead of getting the train when i was supposed to i went to macdonalds and had a lovely three hour catch up with a friend and ended up being so late i'd missed the last bus. My nan turned up half an hour later in a horrific mood. I told her to 'chill the fuck out man' so she left me on the side of my road. 6 miles from my house. 3 Marlboro reds and 2 blisters later i rounded the corner and ended up in a church yard. I sat alongside the graves just thinking for at least an hour before i realized i was behind my house. I have come to realize that if you let things be, they'll be what you want them to. Even if it looks a little different.
   I have also noticed that about people lately. Sometimes, as human beings, we judge others. Shocking i know but it is a very common ailment, i frequently find myself doing it. I find that sometimes people disassociate themselves with others simply because of hearsay. I have done it in the past. But sometimes the people you least expect are the ones you connect with the most. Even if you never admit it to others at least accept it yourself, because finding someone who gets you is very rare. Especially if you're as warped and impossible as me. My advice? Do anything you can to keep them. And steal a few hairs while you're at it, just in case i perfect the cloning process.
  I have to get up in four hours. The things i do for you people. Who am i kidding, no one reads this thing. I am going to play dead island, not for any quirky reason. I am going to go play it because i have built up a murderous desire with all this 'spiritual harmony' bullshit i've been spewing and need to take it out on the reborn corpses of australian tourists. I feel a Charles Wittman episode coming on.

Never let a stranger into your home, no matter how official they look.

Well internet. I am currently residing/ hiding in my bath with my laptop because there is a man wandering around my house with a clipboard. I am assuming because he said he had an appointment that he actually is supposed to be here but really in this day and age who knows. Maybe he feeds his libido by pretending to belong to a moving company and surveying people's homes. Or maybe he simply was walking down my road and got a little bored. For whatever reason he's here, he is still here. So to avoid awkward conversation i have barricaded myself in the bath with my duvet and have mentally prepared myself to be here all night.
  Firstly, i would like to start by apologizing for my last blog entry. I know some of you genuinely thought your lives were in danger and i would like to apologize for that, however justified the feeling was. I have somewhat calmed down since then, and although i have not yet reached that happy place where the palm trees are all bountiful with foliage ect, i can almost honestly say 'i am half way there'. So i am finding myself succumbing to my over-bearing parent's wishes and attending a nice catholic college. Worry not children, on my way home today i purchased a nice 4feet of rope and will be hanging myself very shortly with it. If that fails however i will be on a train bright and early tomorrow and heading off to my first day. I like to think i will be able to survive another two years with the good lord by my side but so far he's been a bit of an inattentive leader. In fact i would go as far as to say he's been down right atrocious. I mean, i am in this situation right? If growing up with two very god-fearing parents has taught me anything it is how to blame dear old Allah for all the problems in your life. And on that note i would like to very pretentiously say: Deus dereliquit mei.
  The problems all lie in growing up. As a child the worst fears we have are the monsters in our closets but as we grow older we realize that it isn't the ghosts in our houses that we have to deal with, it's the ones in our pasts. I long for the days when a mutual love of playdoh was enough to build a friendship on. Nowadays one wrong hobby, one borderline racist comment and a relationship can be tarnished for life. Why don't i just carve all my flaws into my skin and leave the scars there for the entire world to see? That solution at least would eliminate small talk altogether. In fact no talk would be necessary, potential members of my life would know right away that i am not a force to be associated with.I am sure that if we were to introduce ourselves by the characteristics people perceive us to have no one would ever interact.

'Hi, i am competitive, pessimistic and narcissistic. And you are?'

 However it is not as easy as defining ourselves how others see us, for example, i give little thought to how the general public see me so i am very shocked when i am outright challenged on a trait of my personality. People say that your best critic is yourself, but i believe that to be false. How can i accurately judge myself when i am completely biased to believing everything i do to be worthless? I do nevertheless know myself well enough to know most of my weaknesses, and strengths. I know that i am a very sociable being and one thing i can not stand is impolite behavior between strangers. So with that i will leave you all to miss me and go and make this questionably enticing man some tea.

I would just like to point out that the man was my dad's lawyer and no, 'he wasn't meant to fucking be here lucy.'