Never stare at the tracks for too long.

And so once again i am drawn to this pile of shit, this waste of megabytes, this proverbial tumor in the thriving life of my hard drive. God knows why i keep returning to this site, it's like a part of me knows that forever remaining remote eventually causes one to develop the mannerisms of a free-roaming meth addict and no one needs another one of those around really. So i have learnt to healthily manage the psychotic part of my brain and stay relatively alexithymiatic.
  I've been in one of those week long mood-swing moods where everything makes you want to hysterically laugh and cry simultaneously and yet you appear more or less emotionless. The lack of sleep mixed in with the over exposure to sugar and 'happy meds' has made me somewhat of a train wreck. I am constantly torn between the desire to kill myself and everybody else. Luckily these impulses are just milli-seconds long and i'm told they are normal parts of any teenagers daily routine. Needless to say another very prominante problem with the heightened moods and the racing heart beat it i am finding it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than thirty seconds at the moment. While it is nice to have the wondering eye of a russian businessman it often gets me into a lot of trouble mainly due to the fact i am never listening to anything anyone says which leaves me in a situation where everything has to be repeated, at least four times. Another beautiful little foible in my world as of late is my disability to sleep. The less i sleep, the more sugar i need, the more sugar i consume the more agitated i become and so on. Last night i had at least a 20 minute conversation with my brother when he came into my room to get something, when i woke it was only to discover that he never actually did and i should really stop taking my Eszopiclone altogether. That is something i am really afraid of; my own mind. The lack of sleep is affecting everything i do, i am seeing things and thinking things that terrify me for the main reason that they are not my usual thoughts/visions. Everything inside my head has become a orgy of horror, enough to frighten anyone and i have no idea how to make it stop. I have no free time to catch up on my sleep and i feel as if i am very very slowly drowning, the water is in my lungs now, i wish it would leave.
   I have a topic to touch on today. Fear. Fear is something i have never really understood. I have never been sure whether fear is the feeling which drives us into action, or that which prevents us from taking it. People are constantly dealing with danger, every day we walk around on this rotating death trap we call earth, but what turns a danger into a fear, or better yet - a fear into a phobia. I very recently met someone who can not actually name a single fear they have, they are a completely level-headed person and of course is aware of the world, but when i asked her what her fears were she simply said ' i have none'. I think it's brilliant not to have anything to fear but i also think it is ignorant. The world is a scary place, and speaking as someone who is frequently spooked by her own reflection recently i can easily say the fear is justified. But how does one differentiate between the fear that warns us of the dangers ahead and the fear that guides us into it with caution. I don't think i'll ever know, and so i'll just choose to dive in head first, with no scuba kit. Because each great adventure starts with a step.