Never dream.

So all my procrastination and distraction has caused me to completely destroy any and all hopes i had of a real future. My A level options now consist of subjects so mother fucking soft that no self respecting human would dare even choose them because even the dregs of society know that they couldn't be respected studies even in the heart of the red light district. I am slowly setting myself up for a career as a very bad porn star, you know, the kind that gets choked the shit out of before even appearing in the film, the kind who's drugged, the kind who unwillingly gets snuffed half way through the fucking feature. Basically i just spent the last half an hour on the phone to someone who got all their A-levels, who now has a half decent career at a college that fuck-ups like me hope to attend. The whole time he just rambled on in his 'i've never got laid' tone, telling me how it's all been a waste of my damn time, well i don't need him to tell me that does he not realize that i've already realized that? Well he can shove it down his fucking esophagus. Yeah i hide behind my words and i claim i don't give a fuck about this blog and i only do this when i'm bored. But the truth is the only other way i could get these words out my mind is if i splattered them all over some fucking cement. You may think i've gone off the rails a bit, or i've completely lost it. But i know where my self-control is, i just am choosing not to find it.
 I'm not mad, i'm just not happy, i can not be expected to be the fucking easter bunny right now. I would just like to know why wanting something is never enough and why it hurts so much to let yourself down. I am a paradox, and not in the tyler the creator way, in the 'i have no logical solution' way. It's like i blinked and suddenly my foundations have dissolved underneath me and my whole life plan can suddenly fit into a council flat in south london. Who knows, maybe i'll fall in love with a doctor, and watch him shape his life the way i would have. And i'll build up a jealous hate until eventually i slash through his jugular with his own scalpel. People say you can never pin point the exact moment your life took a turn but i know mine was walking into that exam with the remnants of writing on my fore arm. Or maybe it was the moment i was cut out my mothers stomach and the good lord took a fucking shit on my forehead. If any of you cunts even think the word 'surgeon' around me i think you'll find yourself with a 3" shard of glass sticking out of your heart. Because that's how i feel right now, then only a surgeon can save you. I'm sure this whole rant will lead ya'll to believe i am mentally unstable. And so what if i am? It doesn't even matter now.